The Truth

Ok...to tell you the truth I don't know where to start. I'm still caught in this state of not only feeling over whelmed, but again asking....WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?!?!?!?!?!  Ministry or Law enforcement?

So as I blog about the trip over the next, oh lets say.... forever or so, I'm going to ask you to bear with me. I'm still trying to process the things. I feel like everything I have ever struggled with; everything I have been ashamed of from my past, all the things that I kept from myself hidden in the back closet of my heart are all coming out. And in a big way.

As I was trying to pull everything together, so I could blog about this trip...I decided I would start from the Beginning. Where else should I start....really?

Africa was not a place I dreamed of going, it was just a place on a list that I might visit some day. To tell you the truth Avery planted the seed of Africa in my head. 

It is the place she dreams of, the animals, the people, the land, and the truth that has been hidden by war and death. She would always tell me that there was so much more there then people see. When our pastor mentioned Africa, Avery begged to go, but she knew the answer was...no. 

After a lot of long talks and many nights praying, Tony and I decided that I would go in her place. Tony made it very clear that it was time for me to let go of my past and to embrace what was important to the father of our house, So I packed my stuff and prayed for days, weeks, months, I was trying so hard to prepare myself for what I may encounter. What a fool I was, thinking that I could be prepared for my life to change in ways I could have never imagined.

The truth is....

One of the first nights in Uganda; I shamelessly cried in front of people that I didn't know. (If you don't know me...I don't cry in front of any body except for a few close friends and family. I'm not ashamed of my feelings or anything, I just hate people seeing me when I'm weak) I didn't realize then that God was preparing me; I had to let go of my pride. See..with my pride in tow, I would have never prayed the way I did, I would have never let my true self be seen out of fear that I would be judged. I have been judged my whole life by people I realize now had no place to judge my life nor my choices, but that's...another story for another time.

It was the night of our second crusade that was going to blow me over with emotions, emotions I was not prepared for. That was the night I prayed a prayer that I truly thought I would never pray. It was a night where I had to decide who was whispering in my heart, but I knew it was God. I knew there was no way I could have EVER come up the feelings all on my own.

As the night was coming to a close I saw a young girl walking around with a belly sticking out of a boys button up shirt, she was completely exposed for all the world to see, but she didn't care. That girl was so full of life that she danced herself silly all night long. She had no pants on and only one button done up...it was the only button on the whole shirt to be honest. As I watched her from the background I started to pray for this little "spark plug". I prayed that her love of life would consistently flow through her and that it would ultimately lead her out of the place she was in. I prayed that she would not only walk in favor of our Lord, but that she would lead others out of the darkness. I prayed that she would live. 

I wiped the tears from my eyes and caught my breath then I turned around. And that's when it happened....I was standing less the 3 inches away from a young girl that was not only dying physically but she was already dead inside. You could see it by the blankness in her eyes, she was filled with fear, sickness, and shame. She was as tall as me if not a little taller and weighed I would say no more the 50lbs. Her face was covered in sores, her head was filled with lice, her yellow flowered dress was ripped the the point where her brown panties were completely exposed in the back. There are no words to describe how she smelled. 

As Cheryl looked at my face I'm sure she could see how I felt because I didn't say a word she just began to pray for peace for this young girl with no name. I felt the Lord say....Send her to me Juli...send her home to me with peace in her heart,  I will give her comfort. Pray for her to rest with peace in her heart. I wrestled with the thoughts, the feelings, and the gentle whispers in my soul for much longer then a moment. But I knew God's instructions were clear. That day I prayed for that young girl with no name to go home in peace with her one true Father. I knew that there was nothing on earth that could comfort her the way Jesus could. When all was said and done, she looked up at me and smiled; I knew at that moment God had filled her with his peace, and that it wouldn't be long until her pain and suffering would be over.

As I tried to gather as much information as I could about her...I learned that her parents were long passed on, she was epileptic, and she was shunned by the village. She was truly orphaned by the world. But she was not orphaned at all, she was and will always be the most beautiful girl in the world; for she was nothing less then a daughter of our Father in Heaven. 

Some may say to me that I should have prayed for healing; what a true testimony of God's power for her to be healed. The testimony would shake the village into revival. Hundreds would come to Christ because they saw what God did in the girl with no name. It's true, it would have been a testimony that would stop everyone in their tracks.

But the truth is...I know that I did the right thing. I know that girl rested in peace that night for the first time in maybe her whole life and I know that she will rest in God's unwavering love for eternity.

The Truth is....I feel in my heart that Avery was right all along, she was right about more things then she'll ever know or maybe ever understand. It not just the people, the land, the animals, it's all the things that people don't see that the truth hides behind. 

It took the words of God that live in my now 8 year old daughter's soul beating in my heart for me to see the Truth.