Random Moments

It's random moments that sneak up on you that remind you that something is missing. I know this is my first post in what feels like forever, but to be honest things have just been nuts. I should warn you this is going to be personal and transparent.
Back to random moments.
Yesterday as I was going through my mental list of things I need for my trip home to Alabama. Then before I knew it I was sitting in my rocking chair in my kitchen sobbing. It was the first time I had cried, like seriously cried about a loss that hit my family like a devastating tornado. They always warn you about the stages of grief, it comes in waves, it will wash over you, it will strip you of your strength, anger, ect. They never tell you the stages come when your not ready, when your guard is down. Being the guarded person that I am, I kept the showing my grief to a minim...or maybe it was because I was so busy trying to be strong for my husband and our two beautiful children.
On April 21st Tony's dad, my Poppa Bear, the Peepaw, the loving husband, the kind of daddy a child dreams of having lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.
For days I sat and wondered how Tony was going to be, how he was going to recover from losing his daddy. The man that from day one carried him in a back pack on hunting trips until he was too big for the pack. The man that gave him his first beer, taught him how to use an ax, shoot a gun, how to start the perfect camp fire, the man that taught my husband how to be a man.
For weeks leading up to the end I laid in bed worrying about Avery and Paiden, their Peepaw was always at soccer, drove them to school while I was mission trips, that had a running "What kind of bird is that?" list at the cottage with Avery, Paiden's digging for cow heads buddy. How HOW HOW were they going to recover?
I would have conversations with God pleading for Ron's life on my way home from work. I knew it was coming as I was kneeling in my flower beds Paiden was sitting next t me and said "last night I had a dream that Peepaw was all better mommy, he's going to be all better when he gets to heaven". With in days it was over.
I thought I was going to be fine, and then yesterday happened.
When you fill out your passport information you are required to give the contact information for someone you would never travel with. This is the person they (the authorities) notify if something happens to you while traveling. Ron was my person. I remember the day I asked him. It was in the drive shed over a beer and ribs i was plucking off the BBQ when his back was turned. I opened up my passport and saw his name written in ink...